I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize