cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
zippers are such a cool invention
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize