the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
