Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
