Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
