I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
