boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
