1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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