Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Text me some of your sweat
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
