I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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