Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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