I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
