i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
