You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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