Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
