I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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