Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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