i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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