you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
