why do cheetos always look like penises
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
wow bdsm is so cute
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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