I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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