If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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