Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
