Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize