have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
