I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
