i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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