I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
