you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I want her autograph on my taint
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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