the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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