I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
