Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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