and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
