Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
