Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
