Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
