Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize