I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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