I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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