apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
