We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
