I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize