man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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