I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
barbara walters just said penis...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
