i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Naked. naked and bneed help.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
