I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize