I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
