i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
