I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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