I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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