Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
