oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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