if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wear drunk well.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
