He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
