Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
