You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
