Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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